The return of American Gladiators!!

Columnist ready?!?!
Readers ready?!?!
The psyche of my inner child definitely received a boost on Sunday. In a span of about three hours, my childhood hero denied using steroids and more importantly, after a 12-year absence, a brand new American Gladiators appeared on my television screen!
Now I could fill up pages of this newspaper writing about why I believe that Roger Clemens didn't use steroids (including the fact that his fastball routinely hit 98 or 99 mph earlier in his career, but barely hit 90 the last few seasons, and he still dominated), but the most important event of Sunday evening was the return of American Gladiators.
I remember being a little tyke in elementary school watching the original episodes on Saturdays after the early-morning cartoons. Years later, as a college student, I skipped lectures with my friends to watch the reruns on the USA Network (sorry Mom!).
In between I tried to fill the void with Spike TV's Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, but that wasn't so much cool as it was hilarious. For those of you who don't know, they took a real Japanese game show and then dubbed it over with random English dialogue that had nothing to do with the show, and then it ended with a bunch of injured people.
But then came Sunday night! Hulk Hogan, Laila Ali, and two 16-person elimination brackets!
By this point, you must be thinking that I'm nuts, but I wasn't the only one who was this excited. Literally every guy I know was sitting in front of their TV reliving their youth. The only thing that would have made this better was if "Real American" was playing in the background every time the Hulkster started talking.
The only worry we all had was could this possibly be a colossal letdown?
The answer was a resounding no! This show rocked! Within the first ten minutes, one of the contestants took a brutal hit during Power Ball and was done for the tournament.
After a few more updated events, the new and tougher Eliminator was unveiled. More than two minutes of all-out energy exertion! Over the wall, through the flaming water, up the 30-foot cargo net, around the barrel roll, then the hand crank, to the balance beam, up the pyramid, down the zip line, up the reverse escalator, and through the block wall to victory!
And just when I thought this version of American Gladiators couldn't get any more awesome, 90 minutes into the night, there it was: Assault! No event was cooler as a child than Assault. Seeing the Gladiator shooting 100-mph tennis balls at a contestant really gets the childish blood pumping again.
Now I'm not advocating everything from my childhood making a return. Homework and my old Atari can stay in the past where they belong, but every so often it's good to be reminded of the simple things that got you excited as a child.
I know this is a sports column, but every so often I come across something so incredibly stupid that I have to bring it to the attention of a wider audience. A "scientific" study by researchers at San Diego State University and the University of Michigan has found that drinking games lead to higher blood-alcohol levels. Well duh! That's like spending countless dollars to figure out that pushing down on the gas pedal in a car leads to higher speeds of driving! Or better yet, my friend, Halen, is going to request grant money to study whether you get sleepy after staying awake for long periods of time. So far, results are inconclusive!
Now, at the risk of sounding like (or possibly ripping off) a random comedian, I must have missed that miracle cure for cancer or the completely fool-proof vaccine for AIDS because apparently San Diego State University and the University of Michigan just have stacks of research money piling up around their laboratories because they have the time and resources to conduct pointless and obvious studies.
Couldn't this money have been put to better use? Or if the scientists at those two schools aren't smart enough to cure anything, why not just donate the money to a food bank or, better yet, to smarter scientists who are actually trying to help society!